Three, Preschool, and Hugs

Dear Addie,

It's been a while since I have written here.  I guess I haven't felt so compelled because I've gotten to spend more time with you. You turned 3 at the end of last month.  I can't believe you're 3!! I tried my hand at making a cake.  It was something I always wanted to do.  But more importantly it was something I wanted to do for you to make your day special.  You probably didn't appreciate the time I put into it.  I know you enjoyed eating it though!  I made it strawberry, because everything has to be pink for you.  It was a frozen themed cake, and we cut out snowflakes to put on.  I found a cheap, and probably slightly toxic set of characters to put on top, courtesy of a sketchy Chinese website. 

Right after you turned 3, you started preschool.  We found a great little Montessori school for you that we can actually afford.  And you go 5 days a week.  You were scared at first- timid I guess.  The first day there you cried.  And you told me, "mommy, I cried today."  And I told you that it would be OK, but inside I cried too.  And outside, I cried- I waited until you went to bed.  And I just cried.  Not because you were so sad, but because you are big enough to start school, and big enough to tell me, in complete sentences, that you cried about it. 

You adjusted quickly, though.  Day 2 you were still timid.  By day 3, you gave me a long hug and then let go.  And day 4 you walked right in there without so much as a goodbye and had a big smile on your face. 

We are finishing up on the end of your third week, and we have a nice routine worked out.  Your school is actually an adorably restored old house, with a porch.  So we hug tight on the porch, and I tell you to have a good day, and that I love you.  And then we open the doors up and you walk right in.  This morning you didn't even acknowledge my last, "have a good day sweetheart!"  You walked in, and did whatever it is that you do in the mornings. 

Addie-girl, I'm amazed at how you've grown.  I'm amazed at your confidence in yourself.  NEVER LOSE IT.  You have no reason to.  You looked in the mirror this morning after I had combed your hair into a messy ponytail and said, "Oh I'm so beautiful!" and smiled.  You are.  And you always will be. 

Before I was a mom, I had heard the term bittersweet, and thought it associated with things like graduations, or ends of school years.  But bittersweet is a word for parenthood.  Each day that passes is bittersweet. I watch you grow and learn new things each day, and I watch you grow into the amazing little girl that you've become.  But I miss nursing you endlessly, rocking you to sleep, wearing you around in the carrier, and generally have you needing me physically. 

OK, in all honesty, I love that you sleep all night.  Best change ever.  We are BOTH in better moods these days!  But just about everything else I miss. 

You have transitioned from needing me for physical support (nursing, diapers, picking you up and carrying you places) to needing encouragement, motivation, and emotional support.  Change is hard- bear with me while I learn how to best help you.  And give me some hugs when you see me all teary-eyed. 

Addie- you have a beautiful heart, a wonderful, fiery personality, and amazing self confidence and determination. Part of me can't wait to see how you grow and change, and to meet the person you are as an adult.  But the rest of me would love for time to stop so I can spend more time enjoying the little girl I have right now.

Love you my girl!
Mama

Sweet dreams

Dear Addie,

When we started cosleeping I ditched my pillow since it wasn't safe for you. I also ended up in pain from the lack of support, so I ended up finding a small travel pillow. It's about 12"x18". I am now so accustomed to using it that its my favorite pillow. But you have also used it, and I think it's your favorite too :).

Last night you weren't really using it, so I stole it and got comfy on it. My alarm went off, and as I rolled back over from hitting the snooze button, there you were- you had been sharing my tiny pillow with me the whole time :).

It made my morning.

Love you so much!
Mama

Ella Fitzgerald and a Gershwin Tune

Dear Addie,

Somehow the tune, "Someone to Watch Over Me" came up in my brain.  My first association with this tune is that it reminds me of my grandmother (dad's mom).  There's a baby video of ME out there somewhere that my dad dubbed over with that tune.  In the video my grandma is holding me and smiling and waving, and I'm maybe 2 or 3 in the video.  I seem fairly happy.

So it came up, and it brought back happy memories, so I looked up the lyrics so I could sing along...

But then I was disappointed.  How can a song so beautiful and lovely be about finding a man to "watch over me?"  I can watch over myself, thank you very much!!  OK, OK, so I understand it was the time period in which the song was written.

But even today, some music implies that life revolves around finding "the one."  And while I agree that, should you choose to find "the one," that it IS important, and a warm, fulfilling part of life, finding "the one" isn't a reason in and of itself for existence.  Finding "the one" isn't life's only goal, and nobody should be bound to the idea that if they don't find "the one" that life will not be fulfilling.

Finding "the one" may be something that happens, but it shouldn't define you.  No person should let the pursuit of another in love (or lust) rule their lives, nor should one alter their heartfelt hopes and dreams to "fit" with the person they perceive to be "the one."  The truly right "one" will find a way to make the heartfelt hopes and dreams of the duo come true simultaneously.

So, my sweet Addie, you don't need someone to watch over you.  When the time comes for you to explore the idea of "the one," you need someone who values you, your opinion, and your hopes and dreams.  Let Ella Fitzgerald's wonderfully sung song be a reminder of the past, and not an indication of the future, or something to long for.

Love you!
Mama

PS: You can still listen to the song if you want to.  But if you want a sappy romantic Ella Fitzgerald song, try "Dream a Little Dream" instead.

Na-Na

Dear Addie,

It has been a while since I have written! You have kept me busy, between cutting 3 molars at the same time, learning new words, wanting to play hockey, and nursing all the time, writing has fallen by the wayside.

You continue to amaze me with your words, your play, your dancing, and your approach to life. You are not a dainty child. You are headstrong and go after whatever it is you want. Your greatest enemies are fatigue and boredom.

You also love hockey, Minnie Mouse, birds, dogs (and animals in general), Elmo, peas, cheese, and apples. Your brother brings you the biggest smile, and cuddling up with me for a close, cuddly nursing session brings you comfort, relaxation, and security.

While I tire of pumping at work to keep my supply up, and there are definitely days that I wish I could just lay you down in your own bed to sleep (like daddy does) instead of nursing you to sleep, I love the fact that we are still nursing. It's my favorite time of day- when you just cuddle in, latch on, and the world is instantly a better place for you.

And you seem to like it too :). You ask for "Na-Na" frequently, especially when you're tired, in an unfamiliar place, upset, and thirsty. When I'm not around, you ask for "moke" out of your sippy-cup (which is the only reason I still pump!). When you wake up at night upset and scared, you ask for na-na. And when I come home from work late, after you have been asleep, you always seem to know when I come up to bed, because you climb into the big bed, still half asleep, and you nurse. And this is my favorite part- you take your hand and stroke my chest very gently while you cuddle up right in and nurse.

I wish more moms felt supported through toddler nursing. And I'm glad I found the support I have had to keep nursing you.

It works for us. It's nice. And I think we both enjoy it :).

I will keep nursing you as long as you need, Addie. It's our special time.

Love you,
Mama

Diaper!

Dear Addie,

Ever since the new little baby (7 mos or so) made her appearance at day-care, you have been so excited to play with your baby doll.  You push her around in the stroller, cuddle her, and carry her around.

And last night I couldn't understand why you were so adimate to get wipes out of your wipe container.  You got a couple wipes, then you took your baby doll, tried several times to lay her on a chair (which didn't work), then moved her to the couch where we change your diaper.  Then you moved her little legs up out of the way, lifted her dress, and started wiping her!  You wanted to change your baby's diaper.

It was adorable.  Addie girl, you were so gentle and sweet!  I grabbed one of your cloth diapers that's too small, and we put it on your baby.  You were SO excited! You took your baby right over to the stroller and plopped her in.  And then (this is what gets me), you straightened her dress out and rubbed your hand on her tummy, just like I do to you.

Then you went on your usual tear through the house with the stroller.

It was so sweet to see you so gentle.  My beautiful girl- you are already gentle and kind to your baby.  One day (if you choose), you will see what it's like to have a real baby, and that gentle, kind instinct will rush it's way back in.  Should you choose to have a baby or two, you will be an amazing mama.

Love you my girl,
Mama

Love you

Dear Addie,

I love you.

I love your words- the sweet sound of your little voice making new sounds.

I love your hugs.  When you give hugs it's not just one hug, it's a hug for me, and one for everyone else in the room, and then back to me again.

I love your kisses.  I love how you spontaneously decide to pucker up, and again- it's never just a kiss for me.  It's a kiss for me and for everyone else in the room.

I love your smile- it's infectious with your toothy little grin, dimples, and crinkly nose and eyes.  Nobody can be sad after seeing your beautiful smiling face.

I love how you call me "mah-mah."  It warms my heart to hear your little voice calling me.

I love watching you play with your brother.  Nobody can get a bigger smile out of you.  I love how your whole body reacts to seeing him- your fists clench up, your arms tense, even your toes curl up as you shriek in excitement and yell, "OWAH!" Then you want to wriggle out of my arms to go hug him and play.

I love how you make yourself burp so you can say "excuse me" (more like "eh-skoos-oh-me").

I love watching you interact with the other littles at day care.  You alyways want "may-may" to come sit with you.

I wish that I could spend more time with you.  I would love to spend every waking moment with you, and sleeping too, for that matter, but I want to provide you with a carefree childhood and pay for your college. So to do that, I work.  You seem to be doing OK with it, though, which makes me happy.

I wish I could not get frustrated when you want to nurse incessantly.  It was more or less what I expected when you were a newborn, but hours of nursing now leads me to frustration.  I'm sorry for that.

I wish that I could find a way to give you self confidence and self respect, comfort in your own skin, and the ability to communicate without you having to spend the time to figure it out yourself.  Learning "life skills" like leading, communicating, and self confidence take time and mistakes, which sometimes aren't fun.  But I hope that the way I handle life in general helps you!

I'm sorry for when I yell, I'm sorry for when I put my frustration and own needs before yours.  I wish I could be perfect, but I know I'm not, so I will apologize to you when I screw up.

I love you my angel!
Mama

Fingerprints

Dear Addie,

This morning, while I was frantically getting ready for work, a smudge on the counter of the vanity in the bathroom caught my eye.  I stopped- it was your little fingerprints you left all over when you were trying to reach for things I had pushed back out of your reach.

Yeah, then I got all sentimental.  Your little smudgy fingerprints won't be there forever.  And when you're too big to put them back there after I've wiped them clean, I'll miss them.  It was a nice reminder of YOU this morning.

I also realized that you are tall enough now that you CAN leave fingerprints.  My baby is getting big.  But not too big- not yet.  You still like to curl up as tightly as you can in my arms or up next to me when we nurse.  And it's awesome.

Thanks for your fingerprints today.

Love you sugars!
-Mama