Fingerprints

Dear Addie,

This morning, while I was frantically getting ready for work, a smudge on the counter of the vanity in the bathroom caught my eye.  I stopped- it was your little fingerprints you left all over when you were trying to reach for things I had pushed back out of your reach.

Yeah, then I got all sentimental.  Your little smudgy fingerprints won't be there forever.  And when you're too big to put them back there after I've wiped them clean, I'll miss them.  It was a nice reminder of YOU this morning.

I also realized that you are tall enough now that you CAN leave fingerprints.  My baby is getting big.  But not too big- not yet.  You still like to curl up as tightly as you can in my arms or up next to me when we nurse.  And it's awesome.

Thanks for your fingerprints today.

Love you sugars!
-Mama

Sad Again

Dear Addie,

I am squeezing you extra today. Another blogger lost her 14 month son today- last night- he died in his sleep for unknown reasons. Seems likely it will fall under the "Sudden Unexplained Death in Children"- which is the "too old for SIDS" diagnosis. The blogger posted a beautiful picture of her hugging her son after he died.

Maybe it's just a mom thing, but I couldn't not feel sad. I have never met this woman, nor her child, yet the tears were streaming down my face as I read, and it had me feeling sad most of the day.

Before I had you, I would have said, "that sucks" and went about my business, not thinking twice about it. Now, just reading about it makes me cry, feel all anxious, and squeeze you just a little more.

So I tried to really just take today in. We went shopping for some new shirts for you, and a swimsuit, and then we went to the pool.

I tried to just hear the sound of your voice, excited at the Elmo shirt we found, and I tried to just hear your breathing during naptime (which wasn't hard, since you're snotty and snoring right now). And I watched your face light up when we got into the pool, and I watched you giggle as your whole body tensed with excitement about splashing. And I heard you shriek in delight when your brother found the ball and brought it over.

When I hear about these sad happenings, I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you forever- dedicate my whole existence to you and keeping you safe and healthy. But I can't. I have to play the odds and recognize that those cases are rare. I will go to work, and let you play, and do the things normal people do. I won't let it eat at me.

But I won't forget the odds. And I will try to take you in every day- the smell of your hair and your milk breath, the giggles and smiles and cries and meltdowns, the curls, blue eyes, and gorgeous smiles, and your soft kisses and gentle pats as we cuddle in to sleep. And I will see you in the morning, and we can make it another great day.

Love you my girl,
Mama

Words

Dear Addie,

I took you to the doctor on Monday.  Not only were you angry with me when I woke you up early, but you were really angry when I held you down to get four separate shots... The discussion of why we definitely decided to vaccinate you against all of the awful diseases is a different blog-post altogether...

Anyway, one of the questions that your doctor asked was about how many words you say.  You pretty much talk or babble all the time, so I wasn't sure.  Suffice to say, you're on top of the 10-15 words they expect... here are some:

Dog ("gook")
Cat ("dat")
Hot ("dot")
Bird (bur)
Cukoo (koo-koo)
What ("wha")
Where ("whe")
this ("dis")
that ("dat", but it is different from Cat- it has a softer T sound)
Owen (Oh-wah)
Brother (ba-ba)
Dada
Mama
Moo
Baa (sheep sound)
"SSSsssss" (Snake sound)
Oooh-ooh" (Monkey sound)
Roar (lion sound)
"Oof" (woof)
Cheese ("chis")
More ("moh")
"nah-nah" (when you want to nurse)
One-Two-Three (except it's oh-doo WHEE)
Elmo (em-oh)
Whoa!
Oh man.
Wow!
Ow...
Bye-Bye
Banana (Na-nah)
Thank you ("dah-doo")
Again ("NEE") (Not sure where that one came from, but you use it consistently when you want me to read a book again).

And so many more... you talk like crazy, and mostly you don't STOP talking.  I'm amazed, really, at your ability to speak.  CONSTANTLY.  Even in your sleep (which is adorable!).

So... keep talking.  'Cause you're rocking it :).

Love you sugar,
Mama

Cuddlebug

Dear Addie,

You're an awesome kid.  A little crazy.  Extremely wild, and tons of energy.  You go like the energizer bunny.  And I love that.  And when you're done, you crash hard.  And, with as much fun as you are throughout the day, it's the time when you crash out in my arms that I love best.  You are a little cuddlebug, and I'm a big cuddlebug, and I love the cuddles.

So I have you in bed with me at night.  And most nights you roll over and want nothing to do with me.  That's cool.  I like my space too.

But man, when you fall asleep all cuddled in, it's like the most awesome thing ever.  The tension in your little muscles just vanishes and you are completely relaxed.  Your warm little body next to mine, like a tiny radiator emanating heat... it's COMPLETELY relaxing for me.

I'm gonna miss the cuddles someday.  So... when you read this when your older, come give me a cuddle.  'Cause I'll really, really miss it.

Love you girl,
Mama

Female Sexuality (to put it bluntly)

Dear Addie,

I just read this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joyce-mcfadden/female-sexuality_b_2611596.html.

By the time you get to reading this, I'm sure that link will be dead, so here's what it said:  girls are bombarded on a regular basis with messages that are sexual in nature.  They are also bombarded with images, video, advertisements, and other media that promote unhealthy body image.  These items leave girls asking questions about their own beauty, sexuality, and physical image.

And unfortunately we, as parents, do a poor job of providing a safety net for you- of somewhere you can go and feel comfortable about asking questions about your body, sex, and sexual issues.

Mostly we don't want to think about our babies growing up and being sexual creatures.  And I think that's actually where the problem begins.  It's hard for me to look at you right now and think of you as sexual... but we all are from the day we identify with a gender (which happens before you can talk!! and I'm pretty sure you've recognized your gender).  See the problem is we have all been brought up in the leftovers of the victorian era, where we don't talk about sex or sexuality, and clearly defined expectations for our physical presentation were established.

So, as with most things, I want to do a better job for you than was done for me.  I can't guarantee that it will be perfect, because it is still uncomfortable for me.  But discomfort doesn't mean I can't do it.  It just means it will be awkward for a while.  I will be awkward for a while.

Here's what I'm going to do to try to set you up for a better experience:

1. I will use the proper words for your "girl parts" (OK OK!  It's "vulva.")
2. I will do everything in my power and ability to be a role model for you for healthy lifestyle.  I have been working on this one for a while, and I falter on a regular basis.  But I've made progress!  I ran 3 miles yesterday!  That's the best I've ever done!  And I'm proud of it!  I will keep setting goals for myself fitness-wise so that you can see how to do it.  
3. I will not pinch my belly or make faces in the mirror anymore.  And I will not comment on the outward appearance of others in a negative fashion.  Not only is it rude and inappropriate, but it sends YOU the wrong message.  
4. I will set the example (see 2 and 3).  I can't be the "do as I say not as I do" mom.  I grew up with a mom who constantly wanted to lose ten pounds, who battled with weight, and a dad who commented on her appearance.  It's how they were brought up.  But rather than bring you up "how I was brought up,"  I will change.  Because it's better for you.  And I know I can do it.  

One part of the article says that sex education should begin at 18 mos.  I guess that means it starts with giving you the proper vocabulary when you look down there at your vulva and try to figure out what its there for.  So... I guess it's off to task #1 for me... 

Love you so much my sweet little girl,

- Mama