Sad Again

Dear Addie,

I am squeezing you extra today. Another blogger lost her 14 month son today- last night- he died in his sleep for unknown reasons. Seems likely it will fall under the "Sudden Unexplained Death in Children"- which is the "too old for SIDS" diagnosis. The blogger posted a beautiful picture of her hugging her son after he died.

Maybe it's just a mom thing, but I couldn't not feel sad. I have never met this woman, nor her child, yet the tears were streaming down my face as I read, and it had me feeling sad most of the day.

Before I had you, I would have said, "that sucks" and went about my business, not thinking twice about it. Now, just reading about it makes me cry, feel all anxious, and squeeze you just a little more.

So I tried to really just take today in. We went shopping for some new shirts for you, and a swimsuit, and then we went to the pool.

I tried to just hear the sound of your voice, excited at the Elmo shirt we found, and I tried to just hear your breathing during naptime (which wasn't hard, since you're snotty and snoring right now). And I watched your face light up when we got into the pool, and I watched you giggle as your whole body tensed with excitement about splashing. And I heard you shriek in delight when your brother found the ball and brought it over.

When I hear about these sad happenings, I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you forever- dedicate my whole existence to you and keeping you safe and healthy. But I can't. I have to play the odds and recognize that those cases are rare. I will go to work, and let you play, and do the things normal people do. I won't let it eat at me.

But I won't forget the odds. And I will try to take you in every day- the smell of your hair and your milk breath, the giggles and smiles and cries and meltdowns, the curls, blue eyes, and gorgeous smiles, and your soft kisses and gentle pats as we cuddle in to sleep. And I will see you in the morning, and we can make it another great day.

Love you my girl,
Mama