Sweet dreams

Dear Addie,

When we started cosleeping I ditched my pillow since it wasn't safe for you. I also ended up in pain from the lack of support, so I ended up finding a small travel pillow. It's about 12"x18". I am now so accustomed to using it that its my favorite pillow. But you have also used it, and I think it's your favorite too :).

Last night you weren't really using it, so I stole it and got comfy on it. My alarm went off, and as I rolled back over from hitting the snooze button, there you were- you had been sharing my tiny pillow with me the whole time :).

It made my morning.

Love you so much!
Mama

Ella Fitzgerald and a Gershwin Tune

Dear Addie,

Somehow the tune, "Someone to Watch Over Me" came up in my brain.  My first association with this tune is that it reminds me of my grandmother (dad's mom).  There's a baby video of ME out there somewhere that my dad dubbed over with that tune.  In the video my grandma is holding me and smiling and waving, and I'm maybe 2 or 3 in the video.  I seem fairly happy.

So it came up, and it brought back happy memories, so I looked up the lyrics so I could sing along...

But then I was disappointed.  How can a song so beautiful and lovely be about finding a man to "watch over me?"  I can watch over myself, thank you very much!!  OK, OK, so I understand it was the time period in which the song was written.

But even today, some music implies that life revolves around finding "the one."  And while I agree that, should you choose to find "the one," that it IS important, and a warm, fulfilling part of life, finding "the one" isn't a reason in and of itself for existence.  Finding "the one" isn't life's only goal, and nobody should be bound to the idea that if they don't find "the one" that life will not be fulfilling.

Finding "the one" may be something that happens, but it shouldn't define you.  No person should let the pursuit of another in love (or lust) rule their lives, nor should one alter their heartfelt hopes and dreams to "fit" with the person they perceive to be "the one."  The truly right "one" will find a way to make the heartfelt hopes and dreams of the duo come true simultaneously.

So, my sweet Addie, you don't need someone to watch over you.  When the time comes for you to explore the idea of "the one," you need someone who values you, your opinion, and your hopes and dreams.  Let Ella Fitzgerald's wonderfully sung song be a reminder of the past, and not an indication of the future, or something to long for.

Love you!
Mama

PS: You can still listen to the song if you want to.  But if you want a sappy romantic Ella Fitzgerald song, try "Dream a Little Dream" instead.

Na-Na

Dear Addie,

It has been a while since I have written! You have kept me busy, between cutting 3 molars at the same time, learning new words, wanting to play hockey, and nursing all the time, writing has fallen by the wayside.

You continue to amaze me with your words, your play, your dancing, and your approach to life. You are not a dainty child. You are headstrong and go after whatever it is you want. Your greatest enemies are fatigue and boredom.

You also love hockey, Minnie Mouse, birds, dogs (and animals in general), Elmo, peas, cheese, and apples. Your brother brings you the biggest smile, and cuddling up with me for a close, cuddly nursing session brings you comfort, relaxation, and security.

While I tire of pumping at work to keep my supply up, and there are definitely days that I wish I could just lay you down in your own bed to sleep (like daddy does) instead of nursing you to sleep, I love the fact that we are still nursing. It's my favorite time of day- when you just cuddle in, latch on, and the world is instantly a better place for you.

And you seem to like it too :). You ask for "Na-Na" frequently, especially when you're tired, in an unfamiliar place, upset, and thirsty. When I'm not around, you ask for "moke" out of your sippy-cup (which is the only reason I still pump!). When you wake up at night upset and scared, you ask for na-na. And when I come home from work late, after you have been asleep, you always seem to know when I come up to bed, because you climb into the big bed, still half asleep, and you nurse. And this is my favorite part- you take your hand and stroke my chest very gently while you cuddle up right in and nurse.

I wish more moms felt supported through toddler nursing. And I'm glad I found the support I have had to keep nursing you.

It works for us. It's nice. And I think we both enjoy it :).

I will keep nursing you as long as you need, Addie. It's our special time.

Love you,
Mama

Diaper!

Dear Addie,

Ever since the new little baby (7 mos or so) made her appearance at day-care, you have been so excited to play with your baby doll.  You push her around in the stroller, cuddle her, and carry her around.

And last night I couldn't understand why you were so adimate to get wipes out of your wipe container.  You got a couple wipes, then you took your baby doll, tried several times to lay her on a chair (which didn't work), then moved her to the couch where we change your diaper.  Then you moved her little legs up out of the way, lifted her dress, and started wiping her!  You wanted to change your baby's diaper.

It was adorable.  Addie girl, you were so gentle and sweet!  I grabbed one of your cloth diapers that's too small, and we put it on your baby.  You were SO excited! You took your baby right over to the stroller and plopped her in.  And then (this is what gets me), you straightened her dress out and rubbed your hand on her tummy, just like I do to you.

Then you went on your usual tear through the house with the stroller.

It was so sweet to see you so gentle.  My beautiful girl- you are already gentle and kind to your baby.  One day (if you choose), you will see what it's like to have a real baby, and that gentle, kind instinct will rush it's way back in.  Should you choose to have a baby or two, you will be an amazing mama.

Love you my girl,
Mama

Love you

Dear Addie,

I love you.

I love your words- the sweet sound of your little voice making new sounds.

I love your hugs.  When you give hugs it's not just one hug, it's a hug for me, and one for everyone else in the room, and then back to me again.

I love your kisses.  I love how you spontaneously decide to pucker up, and again- it's never just a kiss for me.  It's a kiss for me and for everyone else in the room.

I love your smile- it's infectious with your toothy little grin, dimples, and crinkly nose and eyes.  Nobody can be sad after seeing your beautiful smiling face.

I love how you call me "mah-mah."  It warms my heart to hear your little voice calling me.

I love watching you play with your brother.  Nobody can get a bigger smile out of you.  I love how your whole body reacts to seeing him- your fists clench up, your arms tense, even your toes curl up as you shriek in excitement and yell, "OWAH!" Then you want to wriggle out of my arms to go hug him and play.

I love how you make yourself burp so you can say "excuse me" (more like "eh-skoos-oh-me").

I love watching you interact with the other littles at day care.  You alyways want "may-may" to come sit with you.

I wish that I could spend more time with you.  I would love to spend every waking moment with you, and sleeping too, for that matter, but I want to provide you with a carefree childhood and pay for your college. So to do that, I work.  You seem to be doing OK with it, though, which makes me happy.

I wish I could not get frustrated when you want to nurse incessantly.  It was more or less what I expected when you were a newborn, but hours of nursing now leads me to frustration.  I'm sorry for that.

I wish that I could find a way to give you self confidence and self respect, comfort in your own skin, and the ability to communicate without you having to spend the time to figure it out yourself.  Learning "life skills" like leading, communicating, and self confidence take time and mistakes, which sometimes aren't fun.  But I hope that the way I handle life in general helps you!

I'm sorry for when I yell, I'm sorry for when I put my frustration and own needs before yours.  I wish I could be perfect, but I know I'm not, so I will apologize to you when I screw up.

I love you my angel!
Mama

Fingerprints

Dear Addie,

This morning, while I was frantically getting ready for work, a smudge on the counter of the vanity in the bathroom caught my eye.  I stopped- it was your little fingerprints you left all over when you were trying to reach for things I had pushed back out of your reach.

Yeah, then I got all sentimental.  Your little smudgy fingerprints won't be there forever.  And when you're too big to put them back there after I've wiped them clean, I'll miss them.  It was a nice reminder of YOU this morning.

I also realized that you are tall enough now that you CAN leave fingerprints.  My baby is getting big.  But not too big- not yet.  You still like to curl up as tightly as you can in my arms or up next to me when we nurse.  And it's awesome.

Thanks for your fingerprints today.

Love you sugars!
-Mama

Sad Again

Dear Addie,

I am squeezing you extra today. Another blogger lost her 14 month son today- last night- he died in his sleep for unknown reasons. Seems likely it will fall under the "Sudden Unexplained Death in Children"- which is the "too old for SIDS" diagnosis. The blogger posted a beautiful picture of her hugging her son after he died.

Maybe it's just a mom thing, but I couldn't not feel sad. I have never met this woman, nor her child, yet the tears were streaming down my face as I read, and it had me feeling sad most of the day.

Before I had you, I would have said, "that sucks" and went about my business, not thinking twice about it. Now, just reading about it makes me cry, feel all anxious, and squeeze you just a little more.

So I tried to really just take today in. We went shopping for some new shirts for you, and a swimsuit, and then we went to the pool.

I tried to just hear the sound of your voice, excited at the Elmo shirt we found, and I tried to just hear your breathing during naptime (which wasn't hard, since you're snotty and snoring right now). And I watched your face light up when we got into the pool, and I watched you giggle as your whole body tensed with excitement about splashing. And I heard you shriek in delight when your brother found the ball and brought it over.

When I hear about these sad happenings, I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you forever- dedicate my whole existence to you and keeping you safe and healthy. But I can't. I have to play the odds and recognize that those cases are rare. I will go to work, and let you play, and do the things normal people do. I won't let it eat at me.

But I won't forget the odds. And I will try to take you in every day- the smell of your hair and your milk breath, the giggles and smiles and cries and meltdowns, the curls, blue eyes, and gorgeous smiles, and your soft kisses and gentle pats as we cuddle in to sleep. And I will see you in the morning, and we can make it another great day.

Love you my girl,
Mama

Words

Dear Addie,

I took you to the doctor on Monday.  Not only were you angry with me when I woke you up early, but you were really angry when I held you down to get four separate shots... The discussion of why we definitely decided to vaccinate you against all of the awful diseases is a different blog-post altogether...

Anyway, one of the questions that your doctor asked was about how many words you say.  You pretty much talk or babble all the time, so I wasn't sure.  Suffice to say, you're on top of the 10-15 words they expect... here are some:

Dog ("gook")
Cat ("dat")
Hot ("dot")
Bird (bur)
Cukoo (koo-koo)
What ("wha")
Where ("whe")
this ("dis")
that ("dat", but it is different from Cat- it has a softer T sound)
Owen (Oh-wah)
Brother (ba-ba)
Dada
Mama
Moo
Baa (sheep sound)
"SSSsssss" (Snake sound)
Oooh-ooh" (Monkey sound)
Roar (lion sound)
"Oof" (woof)
Cheese ("chis")
More ("moh")
"nah-nah" (when you want to nurse)
One-Two-Three (except it's oh-doo WHEE)
Elmo (em-oh)
Whoa!
Oh man.
Wow!
Ow...
Bye-Bye
Banana (Na-nah)
Thank you ("dah-doo")
Again ("NEE") (Not sure where that one came from, but you use it consistently when you want me to read a book again).

And so many more... you talk like crazy, and mostly you don't STOP talking.  I'm amazed, really, at your ability to speak.  CONSTANTLY.  Even in your sleep (which is adorable!).

So... keep talking.  'Cause you're rocking it :).

Love you sugar,
Mama

Cuddlebug

Dear Addie,

You're an awesome kid.  A little crazy.  Extremely wild, and tons of energy.  You go like the energizer bunny.  And I love that.  And when you're done, you crash hard.  And, with as much fun as you are throughout the day, it's the time when you crash out in my arms that I love best.  You are a little cuddlebug, and I'm a big cuddlebug, and I love the cuddles.

So I have you in bed with me at night.  And most nights you roll over and want nothing to do with me.  That's cool.  I like my space too.

But man, when you fall asleep all cuddled in, it's like the most awesome thing ever.  The tension in your little muscles just vanishes and you are completely relaxed.  Your warm little body next to mine, like a tiny radiator emanating heat... it's COMPLETELY relaxing for me.

I'm gonna miss the cuddles someday.  So... when you read this when your older, come give me a cuddle.  'Cause I'll really, really miss it.

Love you girl,
Mama

Female Sexuality (to put it bluntly)

Dear Addie,

I just read this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joyce-mcfadden/female-sexuality_b_2611596.html.

By the time you get to reading this, I'm sure that link will be dead, so here's what it said:  girls are bombarded on a regular basis with messages that are sexual in nature.  They are also bombarded with images, video, advertisements, and other media that promote unhealthy body image.  These items leave girls asking questions about their own beauty, sexuality, and physical image.

And unfortunately we, as parents, do a poor job of providing a safety net for you- of somewhere you can go and feel comfortable about asking questions about your body, sex, and sexual issues.

Mostly we don't want to think about our babies growing up and being sexual creatures.  And I think that's actually where the problem begins.  It's hard for me to look at you right now and think of you as sexual... but we all are from the day we identify with a gender (which happens before you can talk!! and I'm pretty sure you've recognized your gender).  See the problem is we have all been brought up in the leftovers of the victorian era, where we don't talk about sex or sexuality, and clearly defined expectations for our physical presentation were established.

So, as with most things, I want to do a better job for you than was done for me.  I can't guarantee that it will be perfect, because it is still uncomfortable for me.  But discomfort doesn't mean I can't do it.  It just means it will be awkward for a while.  I will be awkward for a while.

Here's what I'm going to do to try to set you up for a better experience:

1. I will use the proper words for your "girl parts" (OK OK!  It's "vulva.")
2. I will do everything in my power and ability to be a role model for you for healthy lifestyle.  I have been working on this one for a while, and I falter on a regular basis.  But I've made progress!  I ran 3 miles yesterday!  That's the best I've ever done!  And I'm proud of it!  I will keep setting goals for myself fitness-wise so that you can see how to do it.  
3. I will not pinch my belly or make faces in the mirror anymore.  And I will not comment on the outward appearance of others in a negative fashion.  Not only is it rude and inappropriate, but it sends YOU the wrong message.  
4. I will set the example (see 2 and 3).  I can't be the "do as I say not as I do" mom.  I grew up with a mom who constantly wanted to lose ten pounds, who battled with weight, and a dad who commented on her appearance.  It's how they were brought up.  But rather than bring you up "how I was brought up,"  I will change.  Because it's better for you.  And I know I can do it.  

One part of the article says that sex education should begin at 18 mos.  I guess that means it starts with giving you the proper vocabulary when you look down there at your vulva and try to figure out what its there for.  So... I guess it's off to task #1 for me... 

Love you so much my sweet little girl,

- Mama

Mama!

Dear Addie,

I spent the past 20 minutes or so looking back at all the photos of you on my facebook page.  And then I kept going back, and looked all the way back to photos from 2007.  It was fun, and I'm absolutely amazed at how much you have grown up.  Your face has gone through phases of rounding out and then thinning out, you've learned to take steps, and learned to run, and learned to talk a little bit.

Yesterday you looked at me and said "mama."  Even though you've known and been able to say mama for a while, it was really the first time that you said it to me and meant "mom."  You said mamamama, and you would come to me when daddy told you to "go to mama," but you never said it directly to me. You've said "dada" for a while now, and the first question you ask me every morning is "whe dada?" You run around the house looking for "dada."  But you never run around the house looking for mama...

I'm really glad you now know me as mama,  and not just the lady with the "na-na's."  See, a few days ago at daycare, when I came to pick you up, I said, "give mama a kiss" and you leaned over and kissed Ms. April.  Then I said it again, "give mama a kiss!" and you kissed Ms. April again... I get it-- her two kiddos call her mama, or mom, so that's what you hear.  Owen doesn't call me mom, he calls me Erin, so I can see how it would be confusing.  Nobody regularly calls me mama!

I gotta say, though, it stung a little on the inside.  I want do and be everything for you, but it's not possible, and I will always have a little bit of mommy-guilt for leaving you at daycare to go to work.  I can guarantee you that I would also feel guilty staying home, and even after considering and reconsidering, me working is best for all of us.  I get that.

But I'M your mama!!  And the emotional side of me just wanted to cry when I realized that you associated mama with Ms. April.  The mommy-guilt came front and center, and I was so sad.

So thanks for figuring out that I'm mama.  My mommy-guilt can get tucked back away for awhile longer, and I can not worry so much about the emotional damage that I  might be causing you by leaving you at daycare...

Love you sweet pea!
Mama :)

She Speaks!

Dear Addie,

Today is New Year's Day!  The first thing that you heard this morning (aside from my snoring) was "This is going to be an awesome year!"

And it is!  Because you are in my life, and that is awesome.

More importantly, you are talking!  Well, not in full sentences, but you are growing your vocabulary on a daily basis :).  This morning you asked, "Where dada?" Then you asked, "Na-na," so we nursed and cuddled.    Then you said good morning to "Gook" (Luke the dog).  After that we changed the diaper because you went "pee-pee" and then went downstairs, where you warned me my coffee was "daht."  You walked over to your high-chair and said "MMM" because you were hungry for breakfast.  When you finished up your craisins you said "moh" and I got you more.  After you finished I took you out of your seat and we played the animal sounds game on my phone.  Your favorite right now is "Cukoo" which you say with remarkable accuracy, and you like "Dat" (Cat, with emphasis on the T).  You asked me to pick you "up." And now you're sitting in my lap as I type this.

You also ask "wha da?" "Whe da" and "wo da", which I'm pretty sure is "what's that, who's that, and where's that", but you use them all interchangably, so we're still working on that.

You also love "ball", "Owah," "chis" (cheese), beebee (baby), and you just now said "animaw" for animals on my phone.  You babble like crazy, and i'm pretty sure you know more words that I just haven't figured out yet.

You're amazing.  Curious, bouncy, energetic, and happy 90% of the time.  You wake up happy (when you've had enough sleep, anyway), and you have the brightest smile.  So Addie, don't ever stop being you.  I love your personality and your curiosity.  Keep being you, and you will keep being awesome.

Love you forever baby!
-Mama