Mama!

Dear Addie,

I spent the past 20 minutes or so looking back at all the photos of you on my facebook page.  And then I kept going back, and looked all the way back to photos from 2007.  It was fun, and I'm absolutely amazed at how much you have grown up.  Your face has gone through phases of rounding out and then thinning out, you've learned to take steps, and learned to run, and learned to talk a little bit.

Yesterday you looked at me and said "mama."  Even though you've known and been able to say mama for a while, it was really the first time that you said it to me and meant "mom."  You said mamamama, and you would come to me when daddy told you to "go to mama," but you never said it directly to me. You've said "dada" for a while now, and the first question you ask me every morning is "whe dada?" You run around the house looking for "dada."  But you never run around the house looking for mama...

I'm really glad you now know me as mama,  and not just the lady with the "na-na's."  See, a few days ago at daycare, when I came to pick you up, I said, "give mama a kiss" and you leaned over and kissed Ms. April.  Then I said it again, "give mama a kiss!" and you kissed Ms. April again... I get it-- her two kiddos call her mama, or mom, so that's what you hear.  Owen doesn't call me mom, he calls me Erin, so I can see how it would be confusing.  Nobody regularly calls me mama!

I gotta say, though, it stung a little on the inside.  I want do and be everything for you, but it's not possible, and I will always have a little bit of mommy-guilt for leaving you at daycare to go to work.  I can guarantee you that I would also feel guilty staying home, and even after considering and reconsidering, me working is best for all of us.  I get that.

But I'M your mama!!  And the emotional side of me just wanted to cry when I realized that you associated mama with Ms. April.  The mommy-guilt came front and center, and I was so sad.

So thanks for figuring out that I'm mama.  My mommy-guilt can get tucked back away for awhile longer, and I can not worry so much about the emotional damage that I  might be causing you by leaving you at daycare...

Love you sweet pea!
Mama :)